From time to time, I figure just not even trying to fight anymore... but,what governs me now is the notion that I will exist forever, and that is too long to make a mistake and live with it.
So, I'd rather suffer and hope knowing it will be longer rembering this moment than living it.
I know that you will read this, so it not as much faith as it takes to, let's say, pray.
I am terrified of you and what you can do. I am thankful all the morecfor what remains.
I shudder when I think of her being able to stand up to you, so to speak. But, I share the unique opinion that you can still be forgiven if you want to. There is some love in you still, cause you love me. Yes, I know it. Although, I am not even half as brave as she was, I do recognize you. And somehow I think I understand what you did and the terrible mess that you made, and no matter how it ought to go as part of your plan, there is a way to be together happily ever after, when your tantrums are over, we'll talk.
I think it is a concept well-understood and experienced by any in the digital age. I just lost the most beloved words that ever I wrote, never to have anything but the idea of them, so perfectly formed, forever.
I am alone in this crowded room without you.
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Just a thought, but I think the desire for everyone to make me seem "normal" has caused unusual deformations. I'll explain. Anyone who is dibilitated must relearn to do once familiar things a different way. I had been grossly dibilitated but, to please others around me I adapted and carried on.
This is most notable in my vision/balance. There never was any damage to the external aparatus. My eyeballs do not need improved lenses, etc. It is my interpretation of information they recieve and that darned lesion in my visual cortex. Sure, we comment how a thing is seen the same because that makes you comfortable, but I have to "do all the math" to turn my data into a thing you say it is. So, I am fine, right? It has been difficult and there are several things that I have noticed that I do not do correctly according to those around me and it makes me wish I never bothered on the first place, and if others knew what life was like for me perhaps they would be more sypathetic. But, I hated the sympathy that comes naturally when people see you in a wheel chair, likewise I abhor people treating me like I am stupod just,because I cannot do other things like them. Just yesterday my husband made a degragatory comment like, "oh, that comming from a mother who let her daughter suffer so much from an ear infection that it ruptured her ear drum." At that point, I realized that he was not nearly as intelligent as I had assumed. That was part of the persona that I was trying to create so that I could become someone acceptable, unlike how I actually am, but in trying to create a flawed person I regretted that back story because no one would even believe it, but obviously, he had, even when he had supposedly had dammaged his ear to the point where he needed tubes in his ear, and he saw her swim with her,head underwater, etc. It was at that point that I thought of Tal Bachman's comment about how the "doctrine" as taught by the LDS church was so full of obvious errors that if any one seriously considered things they would not "add up".
The conclusion is that I have been making things add up the way those around me expect, but now, of habbit, I am stuck in my ways to the point where it no longer takes effort to "see" things that aren't there. Blah, blah... I am just rambling on and on cause I do not want to start a project that might be interrupted....urrr! Again, that dang might thing. A dear friend and visiting teacher mentioned that it would be regrettable if I did not even try a thing because of possible negative results. I will write that sonata anyway...
It will require some serious thinking effort to make up a good lie that makes perfect believable sense, but I think it would make an interesting story.
It will be several books. Each book will be a hero that is made likeable and seems to be the long prophesied savior, fufilling prophecies and what not until one thing trips him up. Thus, the entire series will be a testament to how truly remarkable Jesus Christ was, and why it is hard to believe one so perfect could live, even if prophecies can be bent or even actually filled.
My alarm just went off time to go to Mary's Computer class!
I decided this would be my virtual desk to wprk and think at. It was inspired by reading about Ludwig Van Beethoven. I just had a new idea. I am going to start a blog on german, as part of my studies.
On top of German I want to study piano again. A friend told me she thought Hammon Excercises and Scales might help the most. I do not need to learn to read but wirk on dexterity. Right now, it is at level.... um, Frustration. I was going to say 2 grade level, but they might even be better than me, but I did learn to walk, and talk. I can learn to play piano again. I want to.
Lowest Common Denominator
I was paingully honest with myself because I wanted to know what the trouble was and fix it. Sadly, I thought that I disliked Nick because,he was ugly, but as I destroyed everything and was starting over completely.
I realized that I truthfully want love, and I have no preconcieved notion what that is, but being any particular shape or size or color or what not does not matter. Gender does because God commanded it and my fundamental, core, denominator is that I am a child of a God who does exist. He loves me and I love myself, but still my life is miserable, and that is why I cling to Beethoven. He was miserable and managed to not only pull through but shake his fist at what tries to smother us all, thus he is champion. I just do not have peace regarding why he did not seek out Joseph Smith or a priesthood blessing.
I finally did it yesterday and it was surprisingly brief. I prayed to love and thus be loved. I laugh to admit my response cause it sounds too much like the canonized account recorded by Joseph Smith. Frankly, "Join none of them." But, I cannot bear to be alone, though. But, even that is no obstacle. I love the children and Children deserve two parents who love eachother and them.
I feel like, how can I be a hororable child of God if I do not keep that commandment? Although, in a sense, the only solution would be to pray to love my husband and father of the children. Right? But, that does not agree with the whole "none of them" Thing. Maybe it is a faith thing. Even though I do not know or consider a solution it will work if I decide to trust God instead of man. I am thinking of Fig Leaves vs. Garments made of skins.
Life is about agency and seeing what we will do. Eve did a thing that coulx have ruined everything! Everything. And she had no knowledge of any redeemer, I do not think. But, romantically, I think. Well, it was enough to be together. So, not aplicable...in that way.
Other matters. I feel very accomplished because I completed another nativity set. So, I am dwadling on starting a new project because not having a pressing thing to do feels good.
I think I am going to make seat covers and matching place mats. But, I ought to work more of the afghan for Lena. But, the more I do the more I want to keep it.
Ok, back to work, we have no school so just waiting for the "bell" to ring lunch is already fixed. I have the vacuum out staring at me though. :) but The kids begged me not to turn it on.
Why I am unhappy is not something U can say casually or briefly. It is weighty and thus weighs still on me alone.
I will probably just write a song about it instead of tell anyone, I remind myself if the Anna Nalick song 2 am "if I get it all out it will no longer threaten the life it belongs to... this my diary singing out loud."
It was contemplating what is worth having that brought me so low but, my conclusion though depressing is what most call it, to me it is more it is below what is sad, but not death, the very life it hurts can not be abandoned. How crazy is that? Anyway, it brought an answer that almost nothing mattered and it could be zap taken and nothing I could really do could stop it. I mean, really. What hadn't I lost already? I have not the hope enough to build up again, cause it feels like an ant tunnel on one of those ant farms that you shake up and they rebuild. I spent years of my life practicing and running miles to have it ripped from me in an instant. I want to work towards something but nothing that can be destroyed, so one thinks, Ah, hah! Family, and be sealed so it lasts forever! Well, I tried to make it hard, but my husband managed to ruin that even though he said that he was glad to be sealed to me forever.
I still believe it is possible to build a thing that endures. And so I remarried and tried again. I love my children so much that it would pain me to ever exist without them, but, my husband is far from being in the same page. He has done almost nothing that matters, and he is ok with that. It bothers me.
Love should be eternal, never ending, and impossible to break apart. But, it would require another be as committed and I dpubt most of the time that such a person even lives right now. I believe that most people have felt that way and will continue to do so... (https://youtu.be/daOtIdTYiAE) and I want that for them so badly. It is almost the only thing I am not selfish about. I want everyone to have someone they love to build a family with.
Urrrrgh!
This was lost, so briefly I'll recap.
I have 2 things on my mind that I plan to record somewhere.
1. In the smorgasbord of life/religion/doctrines I will always go for the yeast rolls. Regardless of the fancy offerings, one will always be on my plate. Bread represents life, and I will live forever.
This belief is so focused it is percieved as tenacity, but I just do not see the point int quick temporary gains. Nor is there ever truly any escape from oneself, so make it the best self it can be. Cue the need for a Savior. So, supposing things were right or wrong to do, it is preferable that I find a way to correct mistakes, no? That is why I need Jesus Christ to be real as well as his doctrine of repentence.
I was regretting things today, which happened because I was comparing my expectations with what was. I wanted to be more like the girl before I had ruined my life with so much life. That is not what repentence does. It does however forgive me of my errors. I like a story to explain what I mean best:
Nails In The Fence
Author Unknown
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said "I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you."
"Of course I can," said the father.
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My son was telling me that he did not want to forget everything, when I was explaining forgiveness/baptism, because It was a part of him and he did not want to change who he was.
It does change us, but not the way he was worried about....
Ok, so I was thinking about alternate me's and lives if I had chosen differently, like that Vertical Horizon video for "Everything You Want". And I realized that I could not even comprehend how long I would exist, and I did not want to be alone, and that I had not seriously considered eternal things as I should. I was only considering things in this life. Even eternally seeming things were more or less how to appear correctly. Like the sorrow of being caught vs. true saddness.
If I life forever, I will not regret having become someone who accepted things because they mattered for a bit, a long time ago. And I WILL live forever. I have no doubt there.
2) Measuring talents is like "we'll see." My ex husband says that means "no". Well, it sort of does, because it is not an immediate yes. It requires contemplation because the one responding does not know yet, for various reasons.
The same is true with people who are talented. Some require no thought to determine if they are the best while others? Well, we'll see.
Got more figuring to do. I will explain here...but later, I have too much to do already for the time I have.
Ok, I have a brief moment before I go volunteer this will be brief. I wanted to hear Dave Barnes cause it was on my mind. I thought, maybe I ought to go to my Dave Barnes channel, then. But, I knew what would play there, each channel plays according to what its listeners say they like, so instead I wanted to hear what others lstened to or liked since my taint aka preferences had lessened on by Tal Bachman radio station, and it played Dave Barnes, huh? Perhaps it is because I had a station that showed my preference, but why if then did it not play Dave Barnes on his station? Which rarely happens. Likewise, on the Tal Bachman channel it is usually mostly stuff LDSaints listen to. But, I had stated my preferences on facebook for classical music so it made sense when it played classical LDS music. That fit with my notion that music was determined by what we said or searched publically, it was a basic equation to determine preference, nothing more. My fascination with reliably being able to hear music I prefer waned when my mind caught up to what my heart was thrilled with. But, if it was correct then preferences would be in order and delineated.
It helped that a stranger commented on how odd it is that facebook has access to enough to show us our history, it makes sense that a good fortune teller could, if they were so motivated, come to know us personally, having never spoken to us.
And the songs played on pandora were not defined by a computer choosing if and then, but by a person who had observed enough to know our preferences. Even the mere mention of Tal Bachman and Dave Barnes will effectively link the two, and thereby change what is my percieved preference.
A friend who understood this quite well used to randomly toss out key words that would cause certain, entirely uninteresting ads to appear. She also mentioned wanting to alter her playlist on pandora. I was interested, but did not, then, pay much attention...as with most things, I may be slow, but I do figure them out. On xfiles and old anasasi guy said, if it happened there is evidence, the earth records everything for us.
Someday, my delusions will be proven true or false, if they are false, that will still be true. :)
You saw it here first, huh?
Cause it doesn't exist yet.
So, I can't make you do or feel something you won't.
But, I'm so sure you will, you will love me, no doubt about it if you had the chance.
So purposefully I'm kept from you, but they can't really hold me back
And someday soon you'll need to show me what I already know.
So, I cannot make you love me.
I won't even try.
Giving up is not in my nature like loving me's in yours.
So, someday soon you'll need to show me what I already know.
Oh, oh, oh what do I know oh oh
Oh what we both know,uh oh, now we know.
There are far too many people out there to consider oneself, and yet, every action labels and distinguishes us. Me? I'm the one whose action is to escape being noticed or distinguished. I am just here for the body. Criminey. I do not even like chocolate.
Some told me once that it works, but it is like getting a tatoo on your face, others see it before you and they ask
I refuse to believe I had anything to do with it, even if I wanted something, that does not make me responsible, does it?
Every action that produces a result started as an idea, but this one was almost too far fetched to become, without a ton of faith, and consider a tiny speck can move a mountain.
It is crazy that I even need to know, but faith is the evidence. Maybe faith is a foreign concept, but once I figure this all out, watch it...
I just need to dump my thoughts somewhere. But, know I intend no format.
We can make mistakes which means we have deviated from what we intended.
This is the same thing I think when I repeat on echo sort of back to good...
Back, huh?
What was good, and if I am not able to turn my latest mistake into something good then everything subsequent is wrong, too. But, part of me can remember although mentally it seemed perfect, was that even my word for it, or just an idea that I adopted and tried to achieve.
Ok, th I s is the hardest moment. Tight after you rubbed the lamp and the inevitable genie will surely grant your wish, what is it? You must have a wish or why summon the genie at all? But, what is it? Crud. I suppose it is a matter of soul searching still, I suppose I wish to know what I should wish for, for starters, but does that use up my wishing? Crud again. I ought to have been more prepared for this. I should have known exactly what I wanted or else time lets me alter it to fit my needs.
I wonder if wishes work like everything else, more success comes from using them for another anyway.
I know now. There never was a good better than now.
My wish is that you find peace and all that matters is me. Pretty selfish, though.
Yes, I want do not want to alter any one though, though it sounds exaftly as cyboric to clear a mind, but one time a friend wrote me the absolutely best art once about actually searching the baren wastelands of his soul to find sun sourched earth and dust, and a huge chasm, and he heard my name being called out. So, in a sense I gave purpose by filling a void. Though, actually I did nothing. This was all his mind.
But, I know that I cannot run away from a problem, and there is no lesser problem only different and the problem only exists in my thoughts anyway, or does it?
This is something I need to try to understand, where am I? Am I a thought I or a body or a struggle or I really must entertain the thought that a body can actually hold more than one will so what do I mean by peace of mind, an agreement that cannot be forced. Hmmm it sounds like marriage.
Shakespeare comes out. "To the marraige of two minds..." but the heart is not a mind at all.
Ok, I need sleep. That isn't my great wish either, though.
I wish you actually loved me, and cared enough to overcome that obstacle. But, I do not want to bend you to me, I want you to come by your own choice. I wish for you, more than anythin, be content...with me. That seems like it would make me happy.
I think Jesus loved his Heavenly Father enough to be able to accept a terrible sacrifice.
Great. Now, my thoughts are being sabatoged and forgotten and replaced by this: https://youtu.be/xz32I_GbpeU
Big fish in a little pond meets a guppy in the ocean.
As guppy grows they have very little in common anyway.
The fish is a goldfish and adapts to the size of environment.
Fish meets whale who is big by any standard.
