Honorable mention

It will require some serious thinking effort to make up a good lie that makes perfect believable sense, but I think it would make an interesting story.

It will be several books. Each book will be a hero that is made likeable and seems to be the long prophesied savior, fufilling prophecies and what not until one thing trips him up. Thus, the entire series will be a testament to how truly remarkable Jesus Christ was, and why it is hard to believe one so perfect could live, even if prophecies can be bent or even actually filled.

My alarm just went off time to go to Mary's Computer class!

On love, music, and the Holy Ghost

We all want to feel God. Pick a way.

In case you wondered

I decided this would be my virtual desk to wprk and think at. It was inspired by reading about Ludwig Van Beethoven. I just had a new idea. I am going to start a blog on german, as part of my studies.

On top of German I want to study piano again. A friend told me she thought Hammon Excercises and Scales might help the most. I do not need to learn to read but wirk on dexterity. Right now, it is at level.... um, Frustration. I was going to say 2 grade level, but they might even be better than me, but I did learn to walk, and talk. I can learn to play piano again. I want to.

LCD

Lowest Common Denominator

I was paingully honest with myself because I wanted to know what the trouble was and fix it. Sadly, I thought that I disliked Nick because,he was ugly, but as I destroyed everything and was starting over completely.

I realized that I truthfully want love, and I have no preconcieved notion what that is, but being any particular shape or size or color or what not does not matter. Gender does because God commanded it and my fundamental, core, denominator is that I am a child of a God who does exist. He loves me and I love myself, but still my life is miserable, and that is why I cling to Beethoven. He was miserable and managed to not only pull through but shake his fist at what tries to smother us all, thus he is champion. I just do not have peace regarding why he did not seek out Joseph Smith or a priesthood blessing.

I finally did it yesterday and it was surprisingly brief. I prayed to love and thus be loved. I laugh to admit my response cause it sounds too much like the canonized account recorded by Joseph Smith. Frankly, "Join none of them." But, I cannot bear to be alone, though. But, even that is no obstacle. I love the children and Children deserve two parents who love eachother and them.

I feel like, how can I be a hororable child of God if I do not keep that commandment? Although, in a sense, the only solution would be to pray to love my husband and father of the children. Right? But, that does not agree with the whole "none of them" Thing. Maybe it is a faith thing. Even though I do not know or consider a solution it will work if I decide to trust God instead of man. I am thinking of Fig Leaves vs. Garments made of skins.

Life is about agency and seeing what we will do. Eve did a thing that coulx have ruined everything! Everything. And she had no knowledge of any redeemer, I do not think. But, romantically, I think. Well, it was enough to be together. So, not aplicable...in that way.

Other matters. I feel very accomplished because I completed another nativity set. So, I am dwadling on starting a new project because not having a pressing thing to do feels good.

I think I am going to make seat covers and matching place mats. But, I ought to work more of the afghan for Lena. But, the more I do the more I want to keep it.

Ok, back to work, we have no school so just waiting for the "bell" to ring lunch is already fixed. I have the vacuum out staring at me though. :) but The kids begged me not to turn it on.

Eternally

Why I am unhappy is not something U can say casually or briefly. It is weighty and thus weighs still on me alone.

I will probably just write a song about it instead of tell anyone, I remind myself if the Anna Nalick song 2 am "if I get it all out it will no longer threaten the life it belongs to... this my diary singing out loud."

It was contemplating what is worth having that brought me so low but, my conclusion though depressing is what most call it, to me it is more it is below what is sad, but not death, the very life it hurts can not be abandoned.  How crazy is that? Anyway, it brought an answer that almost nothing mattered and it could be zap taken and nothing I could really do could stop it. I mean, really. What hadn't I lost already? I have not the hope enough to build up again, cause it feels like an ant tunnel on one of those ant farms that you shake up and they rebuild. I spent years of my life practicing and running miles to have it ripped from me in an instant. I want to work towards something but nothing that can be destroyed, so one thinks,  Ah, hah! Family, and be sealed so it lasts forever! Well, I tried to make it hard, but my husband managed to ruin that even though he said that he was glad to be sealed to me forever.

I still believe it is possible to build a thing that endures. And so I remarried and tried again. I love my children so much that it would pain me to ever exist without them, but, my husband is far from being in the same page. He has done almost nothing that matters, and he is ok with that. It bothers me.

Love should be eternal, never ending, and impossible to break apart. But, it would require another be as committed and I dpubt most of the time that such a person even lives right now. I believe that most people have felt that way and will continue to do so... (https://youtu.be/daOtIdTYiAE) and I want that for them so badly. It is almost the only thing I am not selfish about. I want everyone to have someone they love to build a family with.