Drawing board

I consider this little virtual desk to bemy drawing board and I keep coming back to it.

I knew things would come up to thwart me, but I need to be constant and completely committed to my original idea. With the right perspective it seems obvious that everything that "would have been ideal" falls into place but, it is not a case of cosmic tumblers or anything, it is more or less a test to see if I was sincere in my desire to have a purpose and direction in that I could endure so much if my goal was sure. Well, my goal was to stay home and let my husband take care of finances while I continued teaching and nurturing/ loving the children and slowly building up my skills and talents towards a truly eternal goal.

It was unexpectedly hard to bear my son's tears though. Mary cries about everything. But, it was practically unbelievable how selfish and rude Nick was to the kids. But, I reminded myself that if Christ truly loved then redemption is possible and bit by bit anything could become anything else with an eternity to accomplish it. So, we ended up figuring out something that would work for FHE and the kids truly had a great time... They even got him to play Roblox with them!!

So, My every instinct was to simply take a job in SLC and get a home (for a smaller commute) so that I could give the kids a better life. I know exactly how to do it and nearly did, but then I thought.... Primary song in my head." At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice...." I have an incredibly significant thing to do and everything is falling into place towards that end if I just persevere.

The real task will be to see after I achieve success if I will stay married. I am here because I am a survivor. I need shelter and food and this is how I get it, but when asked where is my husband. I know God's answer..."Neither is he who you live with your husband."

The kids Absolutely NEED a good family life. One that they would have with practically any other father. I honestly do not like him much at all. He needs to be yoked with someone who thinks dull thoughts and needs someone like him to help. He is always trying to do things that a typical girl would appreciate but I doubt that he has ever even considered what I want...hmm.

I just had this really odd thought. I could probably write a novel just by printing out and compiling all of my rambles online. It is funny how we accomplish the very thing we think we never could while we are unaware of the undertaking.

So, I am not going to be tempted to go get a job. Instead, I am going to keep on withy goals, and perfecting them. I already found and utilized the software I will need to go with the ideas. Now, I just need to firm up my resolve and accomplish my dreams.

If I managed to believe in Jesus Christ despite the many reasons not to... They seem to come in waves. I believe entirely... Could and would never doubt again then BOOM! I recognize another seeming truth that contradicts and makes believing seem practically impossible. But, I do again with more fervor than I would have thought possible previously.

If God loved everyone so much, he will be sure to give me the means of reaching my potential. I am falling asleep as I type. I better ho

What started this paranoia?

Probably years ago a teacher in a long soliloquy that was intended to introduce with humor included a self-realization that she was likely "the village crazy lady" cause ya know they never recognize it themselves.

Short tangent: I got upset at a common question asked by medical/pyschological doctors. The interview almost always included the question if I ever heard voices that were not there? This question seemed as rediculous as the job interview to determine honesty asked if most people lie. If determining sanity was the object why would one openly admit to hearing voices that no one else heard...it always made me wonder if someone had said that I heard voices, cause why would someone even ask something like that. Surely, if you heard "voices" you would not admit to such, right?

Anyway, so this teacher got me thinking about what I did not perceive that commonly others did. Then, today as I was thinking about advertisements that all seem to target other demographics, I wondered if they were blissfully unaware thinking it a cultural revolution or something, like the feminists who think being allowed to vote is a huge step forward. Ummmm, it seems like having marital/family unity would have provided just as much voice, and it is probable that making women equal actually did much more to destroy true progress.

In college, in a Shakespeare class we were reading "Taming of the Shrew" and I voiced my opinion that it was refreshing to see a working society's workings. That the woman and all would be so much better off through recognizing her true place. I thought that an entire class reading and seeing how this worked in fiction might help to rectify some serious social issues. My professor told me that it was because of people "like me" that she started teaching in the first place. She felt that I needed to be "educated" to better understand a woman's place...bah!

So, it feels like there is a huge push for financial equality that is evidenced in the selling of products that will appeal to minorities.

We see more "famous" or glamorized (targeted) black people and women. But, like the teacher said years ago, am I the village crazy lady who doesn't see what they are?

Another side track: I used to get upset almost depressed because people would say that I looked so pretty. I thought they must really think I look like someone who needs compliments.

I thought they were trying out a "Mahana" experiment on me. It is a story where a very ugly girl is overlooked until she is valued and complimented and subsequently becomes as beautiful as she was treated.

I want to shout out to the movers and shapers (keeps autocorrecting to movers and shakers) of society and ask them if they realize that they are simply a pawn of capitalism not the chess players. The society as a whole is not suddenly liking things they like. If anything it is likely driving a dialectical wedge between what most people and what the loudest want.

I, for one, dislike r-rated language and culture that is being packaged and sold as typical when it is not.

Sonata Allegro

In Form & Analysis my natural inclinations were fully stripped and replaced with a similar structure that made perfect sense and could thereby be built upon.

Wether by unstripped predelection or carefully, mindfully crafted that way I believe the form of modern pop music is an extension of previous forms. Much like old, well-loved "drinking" secular tunes found their way into figured bass. Perhaps it was intended to give familiarity initially or maybe it was just an expression of what was stored in the composer's mind.

My most lucid expression of this sort of phenomenon happened at a Teacher Inservice where we were given tools and asked to create our own Mandala.

Others seemed tobe carefully choosing colors and shapes whereas I thought it was supposed to bean exercise to sort of suprise by letting our inneror creative self (at times referred to as a third eye) do what it will. Upon completion, others were selected to share what they drew as we were given instructions of what each portion would represent I noted they were all very thoughtful and truly one could see certain expressions in their art, whereas I had not thought first of what I was feeling was supposed to look like. I simply followed my fancy, but it was ironic how similar well- thought-out versions were.

How did our minds know how to express things that I assumed had no definition?

The same is true with all art. Even as a tiny child, I sort of instinctively knew to create songs in the format I heard. Later, when I saw that even my poetry followed perfect sonnet format it made me wonder. Perhaps I instinctively knew to copy what was familiar. I dunno. But, when I questioned that that "modern art" crap was actually art because it did not seem to capture any likeness I was aware of my father explained that anyone can easily create but to create within set parameters is art.