I consider this little virtual desk to bemy drawing board and I keep coming back to it.
I knew things would come up to thwart me, but I need to be constant and completely committed to my original idea. With the right perspective it seems obvious that everything that "would have been ideal" falls into place but, it is not a case of cosmic tumblers or anything, it is more or less a test to see if I was sincere in my desire to have a purpose and direction in that I could endure so much if my goal was sure. Well, my goal was to stay home and let my husband take care of finances while I continued teaching and nurturing/ loving the children and slowly building up my skills and talents towards a truly eternal goal.
It was unexpectedly hard to bear my son's tears though. Mary cries about everything. But, it was practically unbelievable how selfish and rude Nick was to the kids. But, I reminded myself that if Christ truly loved then redemption is possible and bit by bit anything could become anything else with an eternity to accomplish it. So, we ended up figuring out something that would work for FHE and the kids truly had a great time... They even got him to play Roblox with them!!
So, My every instinct was to simply take a job in SLC and get a home (for a smaller commute) so that I could give the kids a better life. I know exactly how to do it and nearly did, but then I thought.... Primary song in my head." At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice...." I have an incredibly significant thing to do and everything is falling into place towards that end if I just persevere.
The real task will be to see after I achieve success if I will stay married. I am here because I am a survivor. I need shelter and food and this is how I get it, but when asked where is my husband. I know God's answer..."Neither is he who you live with your husband."
The kids Absolutely NEED a good family life. One that they would have with practically any other father. I honestly do not like him much at all. He needs to be yoked with someone who thinks dull thoughts and needs someone like him to help. He is always trying to do things that a typical girl would appreciate but I doubt that he has ever even considered what I want...hmm.
I just had this really odd thought. I could probably write a novel just by printing out and compiling all of my rambles online. It is funny how we accomplish the very thing we think we never could while we are unaware of the undertaking.
So, I am not going to be tempted to go get a job. Instead, I am going to keep on withy goals, and perfecting them. I already found and utilized the software I will need to go with the ideas. Now, I just need to firm up my resolve and accomplish my dreams.
If I managed to believe in Jesus Christ despite the many reasons not to... They seem to come in waves. I believe entirely... Could and would never doubt again then BOOM! I recognize another seeming truth that contradicts and makes believing seem practically impossible. But, I do again with more fervor than I would have thought possible previously.
If God loved everyone so much, he will be sure to give me the means of reaching my potential. I am falling asleep as I type. I better ho
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