working on - come back to me, please

A person dieting is gluttonous to an extreme unbeknownst to scholars and that is the ticket! Doing a thing that a person can FEEL as if it is for the right reasons.

I need to write music right now

It is a constant thought in my mind that I should be writing music, but I do not like simultaneous projects so I want to finish others before I tackle this one because it requires my full intent. It is that important.

I also need to work on a huge project/present, work on my family tree and write a blog post regarding my life and focus. So, I tackle as many as I can at the same time, this is my first (above showering even and I love showers).

Let's see if I can saw this as concisely as it occurs to me...

If the things I believe to be real are then, I would not hesitate to accomplish my number one desire, but I only have that desire, I think, because of what I believe. So, I am just going to go for it and expect everything to work out, but even now I am doubting it, dang it!

But, I still believe so I actually do doubt my doubts as well...crud, that makes me lukewarm! I hate that. I'd rather epically fail trying (a fear of loosing does not motivate me).

I sort of envy Joseph Smith cause he wasn't expecting anything as marvelous to result from his query.

A success requires I Purge myself of many sins (like watching a particular show that would drive the spirit away) and once I partake of the sacrament again then I can attend the temple and make more convenants to have power necessary to bless a life.

Really, after all this time and talk about wanting to run or play the piano again. A better goal would be to those ends. Instead I choose one that has no consequence to me but for some reason, like writing this music. I feel compelled to do whatever I can. I know what it is to completely love someone to the point that you want their happiness no thought of the cost to you...I honestly think and feel in agreement regarding this thing, too.

Ok, too much time already... J'ai du travaille, o hay mucho trabajo, oder ich habe much to do so better hop to it! Tchüss!

Drawing board

I consider this little virtual desk to bemy drawing board and I keep coming back to it.

I knew things would come up to thwart me, but I need to be constant and completely committed to my original idea. With the right perspective it seems obvious that everything that "would have been ideal" falls into place but, it is not a case of cosmic tumblers or anything, it is more or less a test to see if I was sincere in my desire to have a purpose and direction in that I could endure so much if my goal was sure. Well, my goal was to stay home and let my husband take care of finances while I continued teaching and nurturing/ loving the children and slowly building up my skills and talents towards a truly eternal goal.

It was unexpectedly hard to bear my son's tears though. Mary cries about everything. But, it was practically unbelievable how selfish and rude Nick was to the kids. But, I reminded myself that if Christ truly loved then redemption is possible and bit by bit anything could become anything else with an eternity to accomplish it. So, we ended up figuring out something that would work for FHE and the kids truly had a great time... They even got him to play Roblox with them!!

So, My every instinct was to simply take a job in SLC and get a home (for a smaller commute) so that I could give the kids a better life. I know exactly how to do it and nearly did, but then I thought.... Primary song in my head." At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice...." I have an incredibly significant thing to do and everything is falling into place towards that end if I just persevere.

The real task will be to see after I achieve success if I will stay married. I am here because I am a survivor. I need shelter and food and this is how I get it, but when asked where is my husband. I know God's answer..."Neither is he who you live with your husband."

The kids Absolutely NEED a good family life. One that they would have with practically any other father. I honestly do not like him much at all. He needs to be yoked with someone who thinks dull thoughts and needs someone like him to help. He is always trying to do things that a typical girl would appreciate but I doubt that he has ever even considered what I want...hmm.

I just had this really odd thought. I could probably write a novel just by printing out and compiling all of my rambles online. It is funny how we accomplish the very thing we think we never could while we are unaware of the undertaking.

So, I am not going to be tempted to go get a job. Instead, I am going to keep on withy goals, and perfecting them. I already found and utilized the software I will need to go with the ideas. Now, I just need to firm up my resolve and accomplish my dreams.

If I managed to believe in Jesus Christ despite the many reasons not to... They seem to come in waves. I believe entirely... Could and would never doubt again then BOOM! I recognize another seeming truth that contradicts and makes believing seem practically impossible. But, I do again with more fervor than I would have thought possible previously.

If God loved everyone so much, he will be sure to give me the means of reaching my potential. I am falling asleep as I type. I better ho

What started this paranoia?

Probably years ago a teacher in a long soliloquy that was intended to introduce with humor included a self-realization that she was likely "the village crazy lady" cause ya know they never recognize it themselves.

Short tangent: I got upset at a common question asked by medical/pyschological doctors. The interview almost always included the question if I ever heard voices that were not there? This question seemed as rediculous as the job interview to determine honesty asked if most people lie. If determining sanity was the object why would one openly admit to hearing voices that no one else heard...it always made me wonder if someone had said that I heard voices, cause why would someone even ask something like that. Surely, if you heard "voices" you would not admit to such, right?

Anyway, so this teacher got me thinking about what I did not perceive that commonly others did. Then, today as I was thinking about advertisements that all seem to target other demographics, I wondered if they were blissfully unaware thinking it a cultural revolution or something, like the feminists who think being allowed to vote is a huge step forward. Ummmm, it seems like having marital/family unity would have provided just as much voice, and it is probable that making women equal actually did much more to destroy true progress.

In college, in a Shakespeare class we were reading "Taming of the Shrew" and I voiced my opinion that it was refreshing to see a working society's workings. That the woman and all would be so much better off through recognizing her true place. I thought that an entire class reading and seeing how this worked in fiction might help to rectify some serious social issues. My professor told me that it was because of people "like me" that she started teaching in the first place. She felt that I needed to be "educated" to better understand a woman's place...bah!

So, it feels like there is a huge push for financial equality that is evidenced in the selling of products that will appeal to minorities.

We see more "famous" or glamorized (targeted) black people and women. But, like the teacher said years ago, am I the village crazy lady who doesn't see what they are?

Another side track: I used to get upset almost depressed because people would say that I looked so pretty. I thought they must really think I look like someone who needs compliments.

I thought they were trying out a "Mahana" experiment on me. It is a story where a very ugly girl is overlooked until she is valued and complimented and subsequently becomes as beautiful as she was treated.

I want to shout out to the movers and shapers (keeps autocorrecting to movers and shakers) of society and ask them if they realize that they are simply a pawn of capitalism not the chess players. The society as a whole is not suddenly liking things they like. If anything it is likely driving a dialectical wedge between what most people and what the loudest want.

I, for one, dislike r-rated language and culture that is being packaged and sold as typical when it is not.

Sonata Allegro

In Form & Analysis my natural inclinations were fully stripped and replaced with a similar structure that made perfect sense and could thereby be built upon.

Wether by unstripped predelection or carefully, mindfully crafted that way I believe the form of modern pop music is an extension of previous forms. Much like old, well-loved "drinking" secular tunes found their way into figured bass. Perhaps it was intended to give familiarity initially or maybe it was just an expression of what was stored in the composer's mind.

My most lucid expression of this sort of phenomenon happened at a Teacher Inservice where we were given tools and asked to create our own Mandala.

Others seemed tobe carefully choosing colors and shapes whereas I thought it was supposed to bean exercise to sort of suprise by letting our inneror creative self (at times referred to as a third eye) do what it will. Upon completion, others were selected to share what they drew as we were given instructions of what each portion would represent I noted they were all very thoughtful and truly one could see certain expressions in their art, whereas I had not thought first of what I was feeling was supposed to look like. I simply followed my fancy, but it was ironic how similar well- thought-out versions were.

How did our minds know how to express things that I assumed had no definition?

The same is true with all art. Even as a tiny child, I sort of instinctively knew to create songs in the format I heard. Later, when I saw that even my poetry followed perfect sonnet format it made me wonder. Perhaps I instinctively knew to copy what was familiar. I dunno. But, when I questioned that that "modern art" crap was actually art because it did not seem to capture any likeness I was aware of my father explained that anyone can easily create but to create within set parameters is art.

Nothing comes to mind

I want to jot down an intense feeling and no extraneous comment. I feel confused because I know there is a God in Heaven and that He knows and loves me, but I feel so much animosity towards Utah "Mormony" things. I am getting ready to watch conference and listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I feel angry and what is somehow a subversion (which makes no sense).

Maybe it comes from the rude words and antagonistic taunts fired from either side of a serious debate ( which ought not have existed) between Utah members and native mississippi members regarding how things ought to be done (when interpreting the church handbook).

My pleading results

Above all I want to be making a change that leads me towards eternal success and right Now I am Trying to figure out what that would even be.

So, after years of life and I am still alive on this earth I decided that things were and had been wrong. Now, I have felt exonerated from most failures because of my mental state/condition. But, that was over 10 years ago. Time to own up and repent again and ultimately change, but how? I needed help and so my prayer was "Please, Heavenly Father, I need to talk." Now, I realize He is busy and He already knows my issues. Still the act of trying to communicate is for my sake. I feel like princess Leigha on Star Wars "Obi wan you are my only hope."

My answer was "No success can compensate for failure in the home." Home ought to be my real focus. Though I do not understand eternal life. I know that the only way to be certain I am progressing is to unleash and live as a family unit....ha ha ha independence is futile. But, seriously, I think that all growth and ambition outside of a life as a wife and mother, no matter how well-meaning is not leading me in the right direction.
I think of when I served in YW. I got theundeniable communication that nothing Idid or say would matter if I did not live such principles myself.it is like teaching violin. Sure I could explain it perfectly, but should not teach unless I have mastered it, and I cannot actually play the violin although I understand the theory of it.

I love people. I will be given and easily find a way to help them, but as I also stumbled on in the BoM last night, first I need to work on my family. Specifically, it was a great thanks that was expressed by the Lamanites for the love and service of those who despite being hate and even murdered came and taught them the truth.

I know now where my focus ought to be. Sincerely, I was still focused on my family, but in thinking the way an EarthLink does...make enough money and you can accomplish anything. So, with enough money you can start over....WRONG! Hadn't I already started over and fixed things according to what was important to me then, but ideas change.

It doesn't even matter who is at fault(that is a rather worldly way to think of things, no?) Things have decayed for years and need some readjustment.

No other success is truly successful and I know that. If I can swallow my pride and endure. "The cause" of my family ought to be paramount.

___________

In college I jotted a little paper about how if women wore only skirts it would fix society. Though, who cares about fixing society? I love my notion that to fix a thing we often need to find our solution in a seemingly unrelated place. My premise was that if women focused on being women regardless if they could out perform men, the world would improve. Although I could make more money my purpose is to make a home and support a husband who in turn can focus on providing!

This inspiration concept

I like the freedom of allowing us to think and decide what train of thought to follow when reading our scriptures, but something feels wrong like how my world turned upside down when I learned about determinism. Almost instantly it was settled with the notion off soft determinism...sure God knows that peter will betray Christ thrice before the cock crows but Peter is still free to make the choices. I mean really! I was ready to abandon the concept of time because it was a pointless concept before I really understood quantum physics and how agency needed time. In a cartoon about Joseph Smith, the boy commented how no one could be blamed for anything because it was all determined effects. The young Joseph saw how rediculous this was...ok, ok. What brought This allon was preparing for FHE we discussed the "Lord's Prayer" and I turned it into a lesson on prayer. But,the direction is to allow inspiration to guide. Well, I have been nonstop worried about how I taught 4 steps of prayer but this is not the way Jesus prayed in example. He actually warned about religious leaders of his
day trying to break things (prayer) down into teachable steps which might become easy to recall and repeat becoming "vain repetitions".

Then, I wanted to jot down a quick (yeah we all know how that goes) thought about God knowing our needs before we actually ask them....hot cocoa is getting cold. Brb

Ok, so I seem to have forgotten my great thought, but maybe it will come back to me as I type.

I was thinking again about things I do know, and recently at a testimony meeting (a church meeting where members in a congregation randomly share what they know to be true) someone

Going to switch gears... Alright, so in my patriarchal blessing, which is as it sounds a communication to us directly from our heavenly father. I could not wait until I was old enough to recieve such an epistle. I had no doubt it came from my heavenly father. I esteemed communication with my maker to be the most valuable and wrote such in my current journal. I was newly 14 years old. In my blessing among other things I did not understand I was comforted that I would actually find someone to love and be married to. Honestly, this was the farthest from my mind and has always been,  but when we studied Mathew chapter 6 I was struck by the reassurance that our father in Heaven knows us and what we need before we ask and that was what Jesus Christ was modeling for us all in public prayer as important to him, probably a thing He is thankful for. So, among things I may be unsure of, finding love is not one of them and it will not be a stumbling block or determining factor for me.

Ok, I remembered what I was about to say earlier regarding the thing someone said in a testimony meeting that has replayed in my thoughts... Only it left me momentarily as I tried to record it. It
was that someone mentioned doubting so many things yet having the presence of mind to ask Heavenly Father for a knowledge of the truth (or as is commonly referred to as a "witness" of things as they truly are). This person then shared the things they knew as a result and I thought. Wow, things really do work put as if there was some grand master plan although we do not sense it at the time, looking back we can see it, and it makes PERFECT sense that we need to live in time so that we can develop and grow while in actuality all time is the present to our Heavenly Father. And though it seems hard to understand at the time. I really and truthfully do see how things that seem hard must happen and be endured to bring about understanding. I would quote another here but I am under obligation to not share them. I can share how to preserve integrity and develop a strong base character eternally for a time one would need to choose incorrectly...that we might better know the Good when we see it.

For example: when I first moved to Utah I left what seemed like an ideal situation. And I actually made very bad choices and stopped attending church. This showed me the difference between a life lived correctly vs. one I might think was best. I merely wanted desperately to return to good standing, to be rebaptized if necessary. The life I thought was one I never chose but was born to was seriously the better of the two and I did come to feel it and know it.

I thought getting away from the burden of having to teach primary children every single week would be enjoyable but instead I missed it soooo much! I read a random twitter post yesterday where a writer expressed how much they hated writing and wished to be free of it during the creative process but after turning in s work they sang praises about how grateful they were to be a writer because it was the noblest profession.

Last week a woman mentioned how every time she hits a new low that she considers it rock bottom, until next time...eeek! I suppose feeling like you want to quit a profession is normal so that one may gain a greater appreciation of it. It is called "ups and downs" and if you do not experience them...I would be concerned... Nothing is free, and the best things cost more or in other words you get what you pay for.

Such and odd thing...

I want to frequently recall the thought cause there is more to it.

What if I AM Beethoven?

This is a much, much odder thought that is obvious. Like saying I love you, never talk to me again.

Choosing with talents

It was a hard time in my life when I realized that I needed to choose and could not be a basketball player, a cheerleader, a drum major and star in a production and play piano for early morning seminary so I had to make choices and decide what to cut out.

I was always a bit jealous for those who could simply choose the thing that they were talented at. But, I am now completely certain their choices will come in an equally difficult way that is suited for them. For me, choosing what passion to persue had practically nothing to do with skill. It was having to cut out cheerleading and drama that broke my heart. Sure, I was very good at them, and had alot of potential and enjoyed performing, truly!!

But, this forced choice likely saved my eternal life. Later, as the formation of cliques and popularity gave way to sex, drugs, etc. My choice was already clear. It was never a question of what I could do and do well. I could have anything I wanted. What was a blessing could also be a stumbling block if I ever started to play the comparison game...for example. If I saw rich or famous people or even couples who seemed to have found a seemingly impossible love of their life... I could merely be happy for them but realize that those are just a few of the desired destinations and I may never achieve any of them. At any point I could choose to chase after and get those things, but gaining them has never been a motivating force in my life.
I have struggled sooooooooooo much with never falling in love! But, so what I also did not get a letter jacket in high school or class pictures or have a fancy wedding or even an engagement ring, you know? All the things that matter in this life. But, anytime I get Real with myself I realize anew that my goal has never changed and just because I could have everything does not mean I should have everything. Some things I will do without. Many of those things will never ever be understood by peers either.

I loved Final Fantasy 7 cut scenes made into a movie because they constantly address being a hero (successful) as keeping your honor untarnished. It means more what you think of your accomplishments than what anyone else thinks. I think there is alot of the bhudist sense in sacrament meetings when one ponders how well they have lived up to their promises.