Eternally

Why I am unhappy is not something U can say casually or briefly. It is weighty and thus weighs still on me alone.

I will probably just write a song about it instead of tell anyone, I remind myself if the Anna Nalick song 2 am "if I get it all out it will no longer threaten the life it belongs to... this my diary singing out loud."

It was contemplating what is worth having that brought me so low but, my conclusion though depressing is what most call it, to me it is more it is below what is sad, but not death, the very life it hurts can not be abandoned.  How crazy is that? Anyway, it brought an answer that almost nothing mattered and it could be zap taken and nothing I could really do could stop it. I mean, really. What hadn't I lost already? I have not the hope enough to build up again, cause it feels like an ant tunnel on one of those ant farms that you shake up and they rebuild. I spent years of my life practicing and running miles to have it ripped from me in an instant. I want to work towards something but nothing that can be destroyed, so one thinks,  Ah, hah! Family, and be sealed so it lasts forever! Well, I tried to make it hard, but my husband managed to ruin that even though he said that he was glad to be sealed to me forever.

I still believe it is possible to build a thing that endures. And so I remarried and tried again. I love my children so much that it would pain me to ever exist without them, but, my husband is far from being in the same page. He has done almost nothing that matters, and he is ok with that. It bothers me.

Love should be eternal, never ending, and impossible to break apart. But, it would require another be as committed and I dpubt most of the time that such a person even lives right now. I believe that most people have felt that way and will continue to do so... (https://youtu.be/daOtIdTYiAE) and I want that for them so badly. It is almost the only thing I am not selfish about. I want everyone to have someone they love to build a family with.