My pleading results

Above all I want to be making a change that leads me towards eternal success and right Now I am Trying to figure out what that would even be.

So, after years of life and I am still alive on this earth I decided that things were and had been wrong. Now, I have felt exonerated from most failures because of my mental state/condition. But, that was over 10 years ago. Time to own up and repent again and ultimately change, but how? I needed help and so my prayer was "Please, Heavenly Father, I need to talk." Now, I realize He is busy and He already knows my issues. Still the act of trying to communicate is for my sake. I feel like princess Leigha on Star Wars "Obi wan you are my only hope."

My answer was "No success can compensate for failure in the home." Home ought to be my real focus. Though I do not understand eternal life. I know that the only way to be certain I am progressing is to unleash and live as a family unit....ha ha ha independence is futile. But, seriously, I think that all growth and ambition outside of a life as a wife and mother, no matter how well-meaning is not leading me in the right direction.
I think of when I served in YW. I got theundeniable communication that nothing Idid or say would matter if I did not live such principles myself.it is like teaching violin. Sure I could explain it perfectly, but should not teach unless I have mastered it, and I cannot actually play the violin although I understand the theory of it.

I love people. I will be given and easily find a way to help them, but as I also stumbled on in the BoM last night, first I need to work on my family. Specifically, it was a great thanks that was expressed by the Lamanites for the love and service of those who despite being hate and even murdered came and taught them the truth.

I know now where my focus ought to be. Sincerely, I was still focused on my family, but in thinking the way an EarthLink does...make enough money and you can accomplish anything. So, with enough money you can start over....WRONG! Hadn't I already started over and fixed things according to what was important to me then, but ideas change.

It doesn't even matter who is at fault(that is a rather worldly way to think of things, no?) Things have decayed for years and need some readjustment.

No other success is truly successful and I know that. If I can swallow my pride and endure. "The cause" of my family ought to be paramount.

___________

In college I jotted a little paper about how if women wore only skirts it would fix society. Though, who cares about fixing society? I love my notion that to fix a thing we often need to find our solution in a seemingly unrelated place. My premise was that if women focused on being women regardless if they could out perform men, the world would improve. Although I could make more money my purpose is to make a home and support a husband who in turn can focus on providing!

This inspiration concept

I like the freedom of allowing us to think and decide what train of thought to follow when reading our scriptures, but something feels wrong like how my world turned upside down when I learned about determinism. Almost instantly it was settled with the notion off soft determinism...sure God knows that peter will betray Christ thrice before the cock crows but Peter is still free to make the choices. I mean really! I was ready to abandon the concept of time because it was a pointless concept before I really understood quantum physics and how agency needed time. In a cartoon about Joseph Smith, the boy commented how no one could be blamed for anything because it was all determined effects. The young Joseph saw how rediculous this was...ok, ok. What brought This allon was preparing for FHE we discussed the "Lord's Prayer" and I turned it into a lesson on prayer. But,the direction is to allow inspiration to guide. Well, I have been nonstop worried about how I taught 4 steps of prayer but this is not the way Jesus prayed in example. He actually warned about religious leaders of his
day trying to break things (prayer) down into teachable steps which might become easy to recall and repeat becoming "vain repetitions".

Then, I wanted to jot down a quick (yeah we all know how that goes) thought about God knowing our needs before we actually ask them....hot cocoa is getting cold. Brb

Ok, so I seem to have forgotten my great thought, but maybe it will come back to me as I type.

I was thinking again about things I do know, and recently at a testimony meeting (a church meeting where members in a congregation randomly share what they know to be true) someone

Going to switch gears... Alright, so in my patriarchal blessing, which is as it sounds a communication to us directly from our heavenly father. I could not wait until I was old enough to recieve such an epistle. I had no doubt it came from my heavenly father. I esteemed communication with my maker to be the most valuable and wrote such in my current journal. I was newly 14 years old. In my blessing among other things I did not understand I was comforted that I would actually find someone to love and be married to. Honestly, this was the farthest from my mind and has always been,  but when we studied Mathew chapter 6 I was struck by the reassurance that our father in Heaven knows us and what we need before we ask and that was what Jesus Christ was modeling for us all in public prayer as important to him, probably a thing He is thankful for. So, among things I may be unsure of, finding love is not one of them and it will not be a stumbling block or determining factor for me.

Ok, I remembered what I was about to say earlier regarding the thing someone said in a testimony meeting that has replayed in my thoughts... Only it left me momentarily as I tried to record it. It
was that someone mentioned doubting so many things yet having the presence of mind to ask Heavenly Father for a knowledge of the truth (or as is commonly referred to as a "witness" of things as they truly are). This person then shared the things they knew as a result and I thought. Wow, things really do work put as if there was some grand master plan although we do not sense it at the time, looking back we can see it, and it makes PERFECT sense that we need to live in time so that we can develop and grow while in actuality all time is the present to our Heavenly Father. And though it seems hard to understand at the time. I really and truthfully do see how things that seem hard must happen and be endured to bring about understanding. I would quote another here but I am under obligation to not share them. I can share how to preserve integrity and develop a strong base character eternally for a time one would need to choose incorrectly...that we might better know the Good when we see it.

For example: when I first moved to Utah I left what seemed like an ideal situation. And I actually made very bad choices and stopped attending church. This showed me the difference between a life lived correctly vs. one I might think was best. I merely wanted desperately to return to good standing, to be rebaptized if necessary. The life I thought was one I never chose but was born to was seriously the better of the two and I did come to feel it and know it.

I thought getting away from the burden of having to teach primary children every single week would be enjoyable but instead I missed it soooo much! I read a random twitter post yesterday where a writer expressed how much they hated writing and wished to be free of it during the creative process but after turning in s work they sang praises about how grateful they were to be a writer because it was the noblest profession.

Last week a woman mentioned how every time she hits a new low that she considers it rock bottom, until next time...eeek! I suppose feeling like you want to quit a profession is normal so that one may gain a greater appreciation of it. It is called "ups and downs" and if you do not experience them...I would be concerned... Nothing is free, and the best things cost more or in other words you get what you pay for.

Such and odd thing...

I want to frequently recall the thought cause there is more to it.

What if I AM Beethoven?

This is a much, much odder thought that is obvious. Like saying I love you, never talk to me again.

Choosing with talents

It was a hard time in my life when I realized that I needed to choose and could not be a basketball player, a cheerleader, a drum major and star in a production and play piano for early morning seminary so I had to make choices and decide what to cut out.

I was always a bit jealous for those who could simply choose the thing that they were talented at. But, I am now completely certain their choices will come in an equally difficult way that is suited for them. For me, choosing what passion to persue had practically nothing to do with skill. It was having to cut out cheerleading and drama that broke my heart. Sure, I was very good at them, and had alot of potential and enjoyed performing, truly!!

But, this forced choice likely saved my eternal life. Later, as the formation of cliques and popularity gave way to sex, drugs, etc. My choice was already clear. It was never a question of what I could do and do well. I could have anything I wanted. What was a blessing could also be a stumbling block if I ever started to play the comparison game...for example. If I saw rich or famous people or even couples who seemed to have found a seemingly impossible love of their life... I could merely be happy for them but realize that those are just a few of the desired destinations and I may never achieve any of them. At any point I could choose to chase after and get those things, but gaining them has never been a motivating force in my life.
I have struggled sooooooooooo much with never falling in love! But, so what I also did not get a letter jacket in high school or class pictures or have a fancy wedding or even an engagement ring, you know? All the things that matter in this life. But, anytime I get Real with myself I realize anew that my goal has never changed and just because I could have everything does not mean I should have everything. Some things I will do without. Many of those things will never ever be understood by peers either.

I loved Final Fantasy 7 cut scenes made into a movie because they constantly address being a hero (successful) as keeping your honor untarnished. It means more what you think of your accomplishments than what anyone else thinks. I think there is alot of the bhudist sense in sacrament meetings when one ponders how well they have lived up to their promises.

Song

There's so much uncertainty
So much I could not know
But starting here is somewhere
Where it leads is where I go

I'll find it's either right or wrong
And its better that I learn
Then to leave my choice to anyone
Who tells me where to turn.

Cause it's a long road.
It's a long way back home.
Time to choose my way
Although I'm alone. I'll make it home.

My pace is getting faster
The signs begin to blur.
Mistakes could really hurt me now
My thoughts start to mature.

I know that I'm not perfect
Not perfect by alot.
That's something I will never be
Cause perfect's what I'm not

Cause it's a long road.
So very long, way back home
Time to chose my way
On my own, I'll make it home.

Though it's a long road
It's a long way back home.
Though I'm alone, I'll make it home.

Where I belong... Back home

Idea for a tv show

I have seen documentaries where I was not sure if it was intended to entertain, and I think, "can they do that?" I guess they can just have not yet. Why not, usually, by the time I think it, the idea is old news. I guess that is the same sort of idea with "reality TV".

My idea is to present the series as completely realistic, like "the Onion" does with the news, and present fabulous news that we all wish were true, complete with actors playing the roles that are printed on the screen as a given subject expert (professor of Artifical Induction at Princeton). But, the best part would be about a  family watching this documentary and giving reviews and we see how the new information plays out in their lives, or maybe the teenage daughter sits in the corner tweeting to her "friends" about the new world (not making tweeting sounds but sending messages to her account on Twitter)

Why?

If it is just science
What happened to keep you from conquering time as we know it?

Instead, it seems like death is the only way to see you. So, why should I even get better?