From time to time, I figure just not even trying to fight anymore... but,what governs me now is the notion that I will exist forever, and that is too long to make a mistake and live with it.
So, I'd rather suffer and hope knowing it will be longer rembering this moment than living it.
I know that you will read this, so it not as much faith as it takes to, let's say, pray.
I am terrified of you and what you can do. I am thankful all the morecfor what remains.
I shudder when I think of her being able to stand up to you, so to speak. But, I share the unique opinion that you can still be forgiven if you want to. There is some love in you still, cause you love me. Yes, I know it. Although, I am not even half as brave as she was, I do recognize you. And somehow I think I understand what you did and the terrible mess that you made, and no matter how it ought to go as part of your plan, there is a way to be together happily ever after, when your tantrums are over, we'll talk.
I think it is a concept well-understood and experienced by any in the digital age. I just lost the most beloved words that ever I wrote, never to have anything but the idea of them, so perfectly formed, forever.
I am alone in this crowded room without you.
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Just a thought, but I think the desire for everyone to make me seem "normal" has caused unusual deformations. I'll explain. Anyone who is dibilitated must relearn to do once familiar things a different way. I had been grossly dibilitated but, to please others around me I adapted and carried on.
This is most notable in my vision/balance. There never was any damage to the external aparatus. My eyeballs do not need improved lenses, etc. It is my interpretation of information they recieve and that darned lesion in my visual cortex. Sure, we comment how a thing is seen the same because that makes you comfortable, but I have to "do all the math" to turn my data into a thing you say it is. So, I am fine, right? It has been difficult and there are several things that I have noticed that I do not do correctly according to those around me and it makes me wish I never bothered on the first place, and if others knew what life was like for me perhaps they would be more sypathetic. But, I hated the sympathy that comes naturally when people see you in a wheel chair, likewise I abhor people treating me like I am stupod just,because I cannot do other things like them. Just yesterday my husband made a degragatory comment like, "oh, that comming from a mother who let her daughter suffer so much from an ear infection that it ruptured her ear drum." At that point, I realized that he was not nearly as intelligent as I had assumed. That was part of the persona that I was trying to create so that I could become someone acceptable, unlike how I actually am, but in trying to create a flawed person I regretted that back story because no one would even believe it, but obviously, he had, even when he had supposedly had dammaged his ear to the point where he needed tubes in his ear, and he saw her swim with her,head underwater, etc. It was at that point that I thought of Tal Bachman's comment about how the "doctrine" as taught by the LDS church was so full of obvious errors that if any one seriously considered things they would not "add up".
The conclusion is that I have been making things add up the way those around me expect, but now, of habbit, I am stuck in my ways to the point where it no longer takes effort to "see" things that aren't there. Blah, blah... I am just rambling on and on cause I do not want to start a project that might be interrupted....urrr! Again, that dang might thing. A dear friend and visiting teacher mentioned that it would be regrettable if I did not even try a thing because of possible negative results. I will write that sonata anyway...
It will require some serious thinking effort to make up a good lie that makes perfect believable sense, but I think it would make an interesting story.
It will be several books. Each book will be a hero that is made likeable and seems to be the long prophesied savior, fufilling prophecies and what not until one thing trips him up. Thus, the entire series will be a testament to how truly remarkable Jesus Christ was, and why it is hard to believe one so perfect could live, even if prophecies can be bent or even actually filled.
My alarm just went off time to go to Mary's Computer class!
I decided this would be my virtual desk to wprk and think at. It was inspired by reading about Ludwig Van Beethoven. I just had a new idea. I am going to start a blog on german, as part of my studies.
On top of German I want to study piano again. A friend told me she thought Hammon Excercises and Scales might help the most. I do not need to learn to read but wirk on dexterity. Right now, it is at level.... um, Frustration. I was going to say 2 grade level, but they might even be better than me, but I did learn to walk, and talk. I can learn to play piano again. I want to.
Lowest Common Denominator
I was paingully honest with myself because I wanted to know what the trouble was and fix it. Sadly, I thought that I disliked Nick because,he was ugly, but as I destroyed everything and was starting over completely.
I realized that I truthfully want love, and I have no preconcieved notion what that is, but being any particular shape or size or color or what not does not matter. Gender does because God commanded it and my fundamental, core, denominator is that I am a child of a God who does exist. He loves me and I love myself, but still my life is miserable, and that is why I cling to Beethoven. He was miserable and managed to not only pull through but shake his fist at what tries to smother us all, thus he is champion. I just do not have peace regarding why he did not seek out Joseph Smith or a priesthood blessing.
I finally did it yesterday and it was surprisingly brief. I prayed to love and thus be loved. I laugh to admit my response cause it sounds too much like the canonized account recorded by Joseph Smith. Frankly, "Join none of them." But, I cannot bear to be alone, though. But, even that is no obstacle. I love the children and Children deserve two parents who love eachother and them.
I feel like, how can I be a hororable child of God if I do not keep that commandment? Although, in a sense, the only solution would be to pray to love my husband and father of the children. Right? But, that does not agree with the whole "none of them" Thing. Maybe it is a faith thing. Even though I do not know or consider a solution it will work if I decide to trust God instead of man. I am thinking of Fig Leaves vs. Garments made of skins.
Life is about agency and seeing what we will do. Eve did a thing that coulx have ruined everything! Everything. And she had no knowledge of any redeemer, I do not think. But, romantically, I think. Well, it was enough to be together. So, not aplicable...in that way.
Other matters. I feel very accomplished because I completed another nativity set. So, I am dwadling on starting a new project because not having a pressing thing to do feels good.
I think I am going to make seat covers and matching place mats. But, I ought to work more of the afghan for Lena. But, the more I do the more I want to keep it.
Ok, back to work, we have no school so just waiting for the "bell" to ring lunch is already fixed. I have the vacuum out staring at me though. :) but The kids begged me not to turn it on.
