Honorable mention

It will require some serious thinking effort to make up a good lie that makes perfect believable sense, but I think it would make an interesting story.

It will be several books. Each book will be a hero that is made likeable and seems to be the long prophesied savior, fufilling prophecies and what not until one thing trips him up. Thus, the entire series will be a testament to how truly remarkable Jesus Christ was, and why it is hard to believe one so perfect could live, even if prophecies can be bent or even actually filled.

My alarm just went off time to go to Mary's Computer class!

On love, music, and the Holy Ghost

We all want to feel God. Pick a way.

In case you wondered

I decided this would be my virtual desk to wprk and think at. It was inspired by reading about Ludwig Van Beethoven. I just had a new idea. I am going to start a blog on german, as part of my studies.

On top of German I want to study piano again. A friend told me she thought Hammon Excercises and Scales might help the most. I do not need to learn to read but wirk on dexterity. Right now, it is at level.... um, Frustration. I was going to say 2 grade level, but they might even be better than me, but I did learn to walk, and talk. I can learn to play piano again. I want to.

LCD

Lowest Common Denominator

I was paingully honest with myself because I wanted to know what the trouble was and fix it. Sadly, I thought that I disliked Nick because,he was ugly, but as I destroyed everything and was starting over completely.

I realized that I truthfully want love, and I have no preconcieved notion what that is, but being any particular shape or size or color or what not does not matter. Gender does because God commanded it and my fundamental, core, denominator is that I am a child of a God who does exist. He loves me and I love myself, but still my life is miserable, and that is why I cling to Beethoven. He was miserable and managed to not only pull through but shake his fist at what tries to smother us all, thus he is champion. I just do not have peace regarding why he did not seek out Joseph Smith or a priesthood blessing.

I finally did it yesterday and it was surprisingly brief. I prayed to love and thus be loved. I laugh to admit my response cause it sounds too much like the canonized account recorded by Joseph Smith. Frankly, "Join none of them." But, I cannot bear to be alone, though. But, even that is no obstacle. I love the children and Children deserve two parents who love eachother and them.

I feel like, how can I be a hororable child of God if I do not keep that commandment? Although, in a sense, the only solution would be to pray to love my husband and father of the children. Right? But, that does not agree with the whole "none of them" Thing. Maybe it is a faith thing. Even though I do not know or consider a solution it will work if I decide to trust God instead of man. I am thinking of Fig Leaves vs. Garments made of skins.

Life is about agency and seeing what we will do. Eve did a thing that coulx have ruined everything! Everything. And she had no knowledge of any redeemer, I do not think. But, romantically, I think. Well, it was enough to be together. So, not aplicable...in that way.

Other matters. I feel very accomplished because I completed another nativity set. So, I am dwadling on starting a new project because not having a pressing thing to do feels good.

I think I am going to make seat covers and matching place mats. But, I ought to work more of the afghan for Lena. But, the more I do the more I want to keep it.

Ok, back to work, we have no school so just waiting for the "bell" to ring lunch is already fixed. I have the vacuum out staring at me though. :) but The kids begged me not to turn it on.

Eternally

Why I am unhappy is not something U can say casually or briefly. It is weighty and thus weighs still on me alone.

I will probably just write a song about it instead of tell anyone, I remind myself if the Anna Nalick song 2 am "if I get it all out it will no longer threaten the life it belongs to... this my diary singing out loud."

It was contemplating what is worth having that brought me so low but, my conclusion though depressing is what most call it, to me it is more it is below what is sad, but not death, the very life it hurts can not be abandoned.  How crazy is that? Anyway, it brought an answer that almost nothing mattered and it could be zap taken and nothing I could really do could stop it. I mean, really. What hadn't I lost already? I have not the hope enough to build up again, cause it feels like an ant tunnel on one of those ant farms that you shake up and they rebuild. I spent years of my life practicing and running miles to have it ripped from me in an instant. I want to work towards something but nothing that can be destroyed, so one thinks,  Ah, hah! Family, and be sealed so it lasts forever! Well, I tried to make it hard, but my husband managed to ruin that even though he said that he was glad to be sealed to me forever.

I still believe it is possible to build a thing that endures. And so I remarried and tried again. I love my children so much that it would pain me to ever exist without them, but, my husband is far from being in the same page. He has done almost nothing that matters, and he is ok with that. It bothers me.

Love should be eternal, never ending, and impossible to break apart. But, it would require another be as committed and I dpubt most of the time that such a person even lives right now. I believe that most people have felt that way and will continue to do so... (https://youtu.be/daOtIdTYiAE) and I want that for them so badly. It is almost the only thing I am not selfish about. I want everyone to have someone they love to build a family with.

Not sure where to put this

Urrrrgh!

This was lost, so briefly I'll recap.

I have 2 things on my mind that I plan to record somewhere.

1. In the smorgasbord of life/religion/doctrines I will always go for the yeast rolls. Regardless of the fancy offerings, one will always be on my plate. Bread represents life, and I will live forever.

This belief is so focused it is percieved as tenacity, but I just do not see the point int quick temporary gains. Nor is there ever truly any escape from oneself, so make it the best self it can be. Cue the need for a Savior. So, supposing things were right or wrong to do, it is preferable that I find a way to correct mistakes, no? That is why I need Jesus Christ to be real as well as his doctrine of repentence.

I was regretting things today, which happened because I was comparing my expectations with what was. I wanted to be more like the girl before I had ruined my life with so much life. That is not what repentence does. It does however forgive me of my errors. I like a story to explain what I mean best:

Nails In The Fence
Author Unknown


There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said "I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you."

"Of course I can," said the father.

           __________________

My son was telling me that he did not want to forget everything, when I was explaining forgiveness/baptism, because It was a part of him and he did not want to change who he was.

It does change us, but not the way he was worried about....

Ok, so I was thinking about alternate me's and lives if I had chosen differently, like that Vertical Horizon video for "Everything You Want". And I realized that I could not even comprehend how long I would exist, and I did not want to be alone, and that I had not seriously considered eternal things as I should. I was only considering things in this life. Even eternally seeming things were more or less how to appear correctly. Like the sorrow of being caught vs. true saddness.

If I life forever, I will not regret having become someone who accepted things because they mattered for a bit, a long time ago. And I WILL live forever. I have no doubt there.

2) Measuring talents is like "we'll see."  My ex husband says that means "no". Well, it sort of does, because it is not an immediate yes. It requires contemplation because the one responding does not know yet, for various reasons.

The same is true with people who are talented. Some require no thought to determine if they are the best while others? Well, we'll see.

Pandora

Got more figuring to do. I will explain here...but later, I have too much to do already for the time I have.

Ok, I have a brief moment before I go volunteer this will be brief. I wanted to hear Dave Barnes cause it was on my mind. I thought, maybe I ought to go to my Dave Barnes channel, then. But, I knew what would play there, each channel plays according to what its listeners say they like, so instead I wanted to hear what others lstened to or liked since my taint aka preferences had lessened on by Tal Bachman radio station, and it played Dave Barnes, huh? Perhaps it is because I had a station that showed my preference, but why if then did it not play Dave Barnes on his station? Which rarely happens. Likewise, on the Tal Bachman channel it is usually mostly stuff LDSaints listen to. But, I had stated my preferences on facebook for classical music so it made sense when it played classical LDS music. That fit with my notion that music was determined by what we said or searched publically, it was a basic equation to determine preference, nothing more. My fascination with reliably being able to hear music I prefer waned when my mind caught up to what my heart was thrilled with. But, if it was correct then preferences would be in order and delineated.

It helped that a stranger commented on how odd it is that facebook has access to enough to show us our history, it makes sense that a good fortune teller could, if they were so motivated, come to know us personally, having never spoken to us.

And the songs played on pandora were not defined by a computer choosing if and then, but by a person who had observed enough to know our preferences.  Even the mere mention of Tal Bachman and Dave Barnes will effectively link the two, and thereby change what is my percieved preference.

A friend who understood this quite well used to randomly toss out key words that would cause certain, entirely uninteresting ads to appear. She also mentioned wanting to alter her playlist on pandora. I was interested, but did not, then, pay much attention...as with most things, I may be slow, but I do figure them out. On xfiles and old anasasi guy said, if it happened there is evidence, the earth records everything for us.

Someday, my delusions will be proven true or false, if they are false, that will still be true. :)