Not sure where to put this

Urrrrgh!

This was lost, so briefly I'll recap.

I have 2 things on my mind that I plan to record somewhere.

1. In the smorgasbord of life/religion/doctrines I will always go for the yeast rolls. Regardless of the fancy offerings, one will always be on my plate. Bread represents life, and I will live forever.

This belief is so focused it is percieved as tenacity, but I just do not see the point int quick temporary gains. Nor is there ever truly any escape from oneself, so make it the best self it can be. Cue the need for a Savior. So, supposing things were right or wrong to do, it is preferable that I find a way to correct mistakes, no? That is why I need Jesus Christ to be real as well as his doctrine of repentence.

I was regretting things today, which happened because I was comparing my expectations with what was. I wanted to be more like the girl before I had ruined my life with so much life. That is not what repentence does. It does however forgive me of my errors. I like a story to explain what I mean best:

Nails In The Fence
Author Unknown


There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said "I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you."

"Of course I can," said the father.

           __________________

My son was telling me that he did not want to forget everything, when I was explaining forgiveness/baptism, because It was a part of him and he did not want to change who he was.

It does change us, but not the way he was worried about....

Ok, so I was thinking about alternate me's and lives if I had chosen differently, like that Vertical Horizon video for "Everything You Want". And I realized that I could not even comprehend how long I would exist, and I did not want to be alone, and that I had not seriously considered eternal things as I should. I was only considering things in this life. Even eternally seeming things were more or less how to appear correctly. Like the sorrow of being caught vs. true saddness.

If I life forever, I will not regret having become someone who accepted things because they mattered for a bit, a long time ago. And I WILL live forever. I have no doubt there.

2) Measuring talents is like "we'll see."  My ex husband says that means "no". Well, it sort of does, because it is not an immediate yes. It requires contemplation because the one responding does not know yet, for various reasons.

The same is true with people who are talented. Some require no thought to determine if they are the best while others? Well, we'll see.

Pandora

Got more figuring to do. I will explain here...but later, I have too much to do already for the time I have.

Ok, I have a brief moment before I go volunteer this will be brief. I wanted to hear Dave Barnes cause it was on my mind. I thought, maybe I ought to go to my Dave Barnes channel, then. But, I knew what would play there, each channel plays according to what its listeners say they like, so instead I wanted to hear what others lstened to or liked since my taint aka preferences had lessened on by Tal Bachman radio station, and it played Dave Barnes, huh? Perhaps it is because I had a station that showed my preference, but why if then did it not play Dave Barnes on his station? Which rarely happens. Likewise, on the Tal Bachman channel it is usually mostly stuff LDSaints listen to. But, I had stated my preferences on facebook for classical music so it made sense when it played classical LDS music. That fit with my notion that music was determined by what we said or searched publically, it was a basic equation to determine preference, nothing more. My fascination with reliably being able to hear music I prefer waned when my mind caught up to what my heart was thrilled with. But, if it was correct then preferences would be in order and delineated.

It helped that a stranger commented on how odd it is that facebook has access to enough to show us our history, it makes sense that a good fortune teller could, if they were so motivated, come to know us personally, having never spoken to us.

And the songs played on pandora were not defined by a computer choosing if and then, but by a person who had observed enough to know our preferences.  Even the mere mention of Tal Bachman and Dave Barnes will effectively link the two, and thereby change what is my percieved preference.

A friend who understood this quite well used to randomly toss out key words that would cause certain, entirely uninteresting ads to appear. She also mentioned wanting to alter her playlist on pandora. I was interested, but did not, then, pay much attention...as with most things, I may be slow, but I do figure them out. On xfiles and old anasasi guy said, if it happened there is evidence, the earth records everything for us.

Someday, my delusions will be proven true or false, if they are false, that will still be true. :)

Start of a song

You saw it here first, huh?

Cause it doesn't exist yet.

So, I can't  make you do or feel something you won't.

But, I'm so sure you will, you will love me, no doubt about it if you had the chance.

So purposefully I'm kept from you, but they can't really hold me back
And someday soon you'll need to show me what I already know.

So, I cannot make you love me.

I won't even try.

Giving up is not in my nature like loving me's in yours.
So, someday soon you'll need to show me what I already know.

Oh, oh, oh what do I know oh oh
Oh what we both know,uh oh, now we know.

Too many

There are far too many people out there to consider oneself, and yet, every action labels and distinguishes us. Me? I'm the one whose action is to escape being noticed or distinguished. I am just here for the body. Criminey. I do not even like chocolate.

Is it working?

Some told me once that it works, but it is like getting a tatoo on your face, others see it before you and they ask

I refuse to believe I had anything to do with it, even if I wanted something, that does not make me responsible, does it?

Every action that produces a result started as an idea, but this one was almost too far fetched to become, without a ton of faith, and consider a tiny speck can move a mountain.

It is crazy that I even need to know, but faith is the evidence. Maybe faith is a  foreign concept, but once I figure this all out, watch it...

Back to the board

I just need to dump my thoughts somewhere. But, know I intend no format.

We can make mistakes which means we have deviated from what we intended.

This is the same thing I think when I repeat on echo sort of back to good...

Back, huh?

What was good, and if I am not able to turn my latest mistake into something good then everything subsequent is wrong, too. But, part of me can remember although mentally it seemed perfect, was that even my word for it, or just an idea that I adopted and tried to achieve.

Ok, th I s is the hardest moment. Tight after you rubbed the lamp and the inevitable genie will surely grant your wish, what is it? You must have a wish or why summon the genie at all? But, what is it? Crud. I suppose it is a matter of soul searching still, I suppose I wish to know what I should wish for, for starters, but does that use up my wishing? Crud again. I ought to have been more prepared for this. I should have known exactly what I wanted or else time lets me alter it to fit my needs.

I wonder if wishes work like everything else, more success comes from using them for another anyway.

I know now. There never was a good better than now.

My wish is that you find peace and all that matters is me. Pretty selfish, though.

Yes, I want do not want to alter any one though, though it sounds exaftly as cyboric to clear a mind, but one time a friend wrote me the absolutely best art once about actually searching the baren wastelands of his soul to find sun sourched earth and dust, and a huge chasm, and he heard my name being called out. So, in a sense I gave purpose by filling a void.  Though, actually I did nothing. This was all his mind.

But, I know that I cannot run away from a problem, and there is no lesser problem only different and the problem only exists in my thoughts anyway, or does it?

This is something I need to try to understand, where am I? Am I a thought I or a body or a struggle or I really must entertain the thought that a body can actually hold more than one will so what do I mean by peace of mind, an agreement that cannot be forced. Hmmm it sounds like marriage.

Shakespeare comes out. "To the marraige of two minds..." but the heart is not a mind at all.

Ok, I need sleep. That isn't my great wish either, though.

I wish you actually loved me, and cared enough to overcome that obstacle. But, I do not want to bend you to me, I want you to come by your own choice. I wish for you, more than anythin, be content...with me. That seems like it would make me happy.

I think Jesus loved his Heavenly Father enough to be able to accept a terrible sacrifice.

Great. Now, my thoughts are being sabatoged and forgotten and replaced by this: https://youtu.be/xz32I_GbpeU

Big fishies

Big fish in a little pond meets a guppy in the ocean.

As guppy grows they have very little in common anyway.

The fish is a goldfish and adapts to the size of environment.

Fish meets whale who is big by any standard.